if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
