Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
