I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
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I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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