he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
