I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Randomize
