god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
