I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
