I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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