bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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