using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Come see our sink grown plant.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I think I sprained my soul last night
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
