I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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