The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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