last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
My vagina is officially offended.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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