No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
