just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
