I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
