a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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