maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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