I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
