Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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