I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
