just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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