what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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