How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
