turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
