phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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