I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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