what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
