I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
