I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
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We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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