my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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