I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
