my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
