We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Randomize
