what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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