I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
