I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
