im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
