Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
