that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
