Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
