low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I need to align my fucking chakras
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
