I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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