I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
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