i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
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