Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Shame is for Republicans.
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