dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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