Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
