All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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