I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
well most of my day revolves around power hour
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
