Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
