I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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