We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
